TMI? Too Much Information. It's just easier to say "TMI." I used to say "don't go there," but that's lame.

I'm in line for the security checkpoint at Pittsburgh International Airport. There is a woman in front of me with two early-elementary-school-age children...old enough to not wear diapers and to carry their own bags, but young enough that they still need specific instructions. The woman looks more than slightly frazzled. "Put your bag up here, honey. We don't need that bin, please put it back over there. Take your shoes off and put them with Mommy's. No, don't take your socks off, just your shoes. Leave your socks on!!"

With this last line, she looks back at me and smiles apologetically. I smile back, because I assume she feels guilty for holding up the line, but I'm not in any great hurry and I want to reassure her that I'm not getting impatient. I also nod knowingly, as if to say, "Kids can be this way sometimes!" Of course, I have no children, only cats, but they would certainly be terrors if I ever took them to the airport.

Don't assume things, Sarah. She wants to apologize for something other than their lack of speed:

"He's got toe fungus, you know."

I'm not sure what my face looked like after that, but it couldn't have been pretty. Was that necessary? Keeping your socks on is standard protocol for airport security screenings, so did I really need an explanation for why you were so adamant that your son's socks remained on his crusty little toes? I think not. Shudder.

One more reason I love going to the airport.

Kill you? I don't wanna kill you...you complete me.

OK, David Farnham might have been slightly justified in leaving his two-year-old locked in his car while he went to a midnight showing of The Dark Knight. That movie is FANTASTIC.

David probably had a babysitter all lined up, just as any responsible parent would do, but maybe she canceled at the last minute, and what was David supposed to do then? He already had his ticket, so that would have been $10 down the drain (and since now he'll have to save up to post bond and pay his lawyer, he can't justify that kind of irresponsible spending). Plus, Batman is always there to support the good people of Gotham, so for David to turn around and not support Batman in his big blockbuster endeavor...well, that's just plain inconsiderate. So it was either leave the kid in the car or bring the kid to the movie and be that person I hate who has a crying kid at the movie theater. I think the judge and jury at David's child abuse trial should have to watch the movie first before they decide whether or not to convict him. I'm just saying. He could plead not guilty by reason of irresistible AWESOMENESS and they would probably have to let him off.

In conclusion, you should drop what you're doing right this second and go see The Dark Knight. Just maybe make triple sure that your babysitter is available. A lot of stuff happens in the last ten minutes, and you don't want to miss it on account of being arrested.

More people who should not be parents

To be fair, I haven't seen this movie yet. I'm going tonight, though, so tomorrow I'll let you know whether it's worth risking the suffocation of your child.

Introducing Things I Love / Things I Hate

My blog is very unfocused, hence the title Word Vomit. I like it that way, because I get bored of doing the same things all the time, so I'm sure to get bored of writing about the same things all the time too. But sometimes I find that having TOO many choices of things to write about is overwhelming, so I end up writing nothing at all. (Also, that's really just an excuse for not updating more frequently. As you should know by now, I'm a bit lazy.)

I figure a happy medium is coming up with a few "theme" type entries that I can default to when I can't decide what else to write about. For example, so far "things I read on cnn.com" seems to have yielded a lot of subject matter. I also like to make lists, but that entry about the five products that have changed my life took something like three hours to write. From now on, lists will comprise only two items: something I love and something I hate. I'm an equal-opportunity product pusher/slammer. Today's Thing I Love and Thing I Hate were both brought into my life by Tron. So I guess that means I have to love him and hate him too.

Today I love dark-chocolate-dipped Altoids. First of all, because dark chocolate is the best of all the chocolates (that's what she said). But also because technically it's a breath-freshening device first and a candy second. So if I eat a whole tin in one day, maybe I'm not being a greedy little chocolate lover. Maybe I am just trying to cure a really bad case of halitosis, so get off my back already! These Altoids come in Cinnamon and Peppermint flavors, which are both delicious, and also Ginger, which I'm terrified to try.

Today I hate Brett Favre. Not nearly as much as I hate all the Browns, all the Bengals, and Terrell Owens, but I still hate him. Brett, please listen to me. I don't WANT to hate you. But you need to stop fake retiring. I want to remember you as a great legend who set a bunch of quarterback records, and who also seems down to earth enough that I want to be your friend. However, I have a short attention span. If you keep this up, all my good memories will fade and I'm only going to remember you as that indecisive drama queen who came back for one more season and failed to take some team that's not the Packers to the playoffs.

Tune in next time...I love and hate a lot of things, and since I'm always right, you need to follow along to know what you should also be loving and hating.

Who is dumber - kids or adults?

It's an age-old question. Kids will say adults are dumber, and adults will say kids are dumber. I maintain that it just doesn't matter because I'm smarter than everyone anyway. I have never in my life done anything stupid. Well, at least nothing that was caught on tape and posted to the internet, thus you can't prove anything.

So, what's dumber? Climbing into a toy vending machine (motive: unclear - either reallllly wanting a new stuffed animal or hoping to be "won" by some new parents) or tackling and beating the crap out of your neighbor when her pit bull bites your toddler (motive: proving that you know best what's most harmful to your child, and of course that does not include smoking around him, using excessive profanity, and showing him that violence is the solution to all of life's problems)?





***UPDATE: Apparently CNN does not like when YouTube posts their videos, so click here to watch that second clip.

How should I be buried?

Is it me, or does there seem to be a growing trend in popular culture of competing to see who can create the biggest and best spectacle to celebrate major lifetime milestones? MTV chronicles bratty teenagers in their quest to have the Superest Sweet 16 party, because cupcakes and Spin the Bottle aren't good enough anymore. The first question posed to the recently engaged (after asking to see the ring) is "How did he propose?" because simply asking "Will you marry me?" is now seen as laziness on the guy's behalf. Weddings, too, are becoming more expensive and more elaborate as we try to keep up with the glitz and glamour of Hollywood nuptials.

One trend, however, that I'm totally on board with is coming up with creative ways to preserve one's remains. Of course, bragging rights are a little limited, since you're dead and all, but you leave your descendents with a really cool story to tell. For example, although my grandfather's passing a few weeks ago was quite sad, I do delight in telling people that my grandmother is currently storing his ashes in one of his beer steins. Although this wasn't so much his specified wishes as a half-joking suggestion of my mother's, I know he's thrilled to be preserved in a way that reflects his pride of his German heritage.

And then yesterday I read an article on CNN.com about something that happened in Cincinnati that didn't involve one of the Bengals getting arrested. Fredric J. Baur passed away on May 4 at the age of 89. Mr. Baur, the designer of the famous "once you pop, you can't stop" Pringles can, requested that a portion of his cremated remains be buried in a Pringles can. And so, in a cemetery somewhere in suburban Springfield Township, Ohio, Fredric J. Baur is proudly buried inside his legendary invention.

This is one of the most awesome things I have heard in awhile, so I am officially opening up the floor for suggestions on a great way I can be buried. I mean, I'm hoping I won't have to use any of these ideas for a long time, but I like being prepared. I was a Girl Scout, after all. (But I hated it about 98% of the time, so don't start suggesting that I be buried inside a sit-a-can or a mess kit.)

Five inventions that have improved my life

Hi there, reader! (Readers? Maybe? Am I lucky enough to make that plural yet?) Today for your reading pleasure I present: five awesome products that you should definitely use (or just three products if you're a dude who doesn't occasionally experiment with the cross-dressing lifestyle).

I can't guarantee that these are the five inventions that have had the GREATEST impact on my life, because I think those types of titles should be reserved from assignment until I'm on my deathbed (how do I know that something better isn't going to come along tomorrow?), but believe you me they are pretty dern fantastic.

5. The Skinny Cow Ice Cream Products
I have a problem in that I'm a girl who tries to be skinny, but who also LOVES food. Especially ice cream when it's hot outside. And since I live in Atlanta, that's pretty much all the time. Sure, sometimes an ice cream craving is so strong or a day is so fabulously crappy that really the only cure is Cold Stone, but for all other occasions The Skinny Cow is the perfect fit. Their ice cream actually tastes like ice cream, rather than cardboard like some other low-fat ice cream products, or chalk like astronaut ice cream. (Remember that stuff they made us eat in elementary school? Gross.) Found in most grocery stores, The Skinny Dippers bars have only 80 calories per bar (3 g fat, 2 g saturated fat) and the ice cream sandwiches (which I recommend slightly higher, the mint flavor in particular) have only 140 calories per sandwich (2 g fat, 1 g saturated fat). Keep a box in your freezer; you won't regret it.

4. Kayak.com
2008 is turning into a year of major traveling for me. The most recent count is one cruise, two funerals, and four weddings (one down, three to go). And of course none of them are within driving distance. Two things I do not have much of are money and time. Problem: How do I find the cheapest flights when I don't have time to search all the individual airlines' websites? Solution: Kayak.com. Much easier to navigate than other travel websites like Orbitz and Travelocity, Kayak quickly searches all the airline websites and other travel sites as well, then lists all the flights from cheapest to heart-attack-inducing. You can narrow the results by specifying exact times of day you'd like to fly, nonstop vs. layover, or by choosing only certain airlines to display in the results.

3. Maybelline Expert Wear Eye Shadow Quads
This is a new recommendation. I purchased this eye shadow (different color than shown in photo) two weeks ago, when I was struck by that urge to change my makeup routine (an urge that strikes only about once every five years, by the way). Maybelline has created a product that is so idiot-proof I'm still shaking my head in amazement. First, they grouped together four shades that complement each other, so you don't have to consult the bored and clueless 17-year-old restocking the cosmetic shelves at Target. Second, they imprinted each shade with the location of the eye on which to apply. Third, on the back of the case is a diagram for those who need EVEN MORE HELP -- like me -- to figure out where the crease and brow bone are (seriously, I think I missed that class in pretty girl school). Added bonus: instructions on which shades you should use to achieve a subtle, casual, classic, or dramatic look. On behalf of those who need all the help we can get to look hot, thank you Maybelline!

2. Victoria's Secret BioFit Bra
I scoffed at the commercials for the BioFit when I first saw them ("You'll feel like it was CUSTOM MADE just for you, and you WILL believe us since we're speaking in such a DRAMATIC VOICE!") but after trying one on, I'm a believer. Due to my "problem" of having healthy-sized bazongas, I've had to avoid padded bras in the past. Too much padding = circus freak! But the BioFit has different amounts of padding depending on your cup size, and the result makes the girls look pretty good, I think. Tron* will probably second that opinion. And it's comfortable to boot. The only downside is the cost: $45-$48. However, Victoria's Secret is currently offering some BioFits during their Semi-Annual Sale for only $24.99. Just be warned that the only colors on clearance are Daring Orange, Flamingo Pink, and other neon wonders.

1. TiVo
Other than my wonderful cat, TiVo is the best gift I have ever received. I think the TiVo marketing department should consider an advertising campaign based around the concept, "Once you go black..." When I think about how TV ruled my life in the pre-TiVo era, I can't help but laugh. Gone are the days of scrambling to find a blank videotape before Grey's Anatomy starts, or trying to remember what channel is NBC, or wondering if American Idol is half an hour or an hour long this week. No longer do I absentmindedly channel surf in a vain attempt to find something to watch; I either pull up the Guide that shows at a glance what's on TV at the moment, or watch one of the shows that TiVo nicely recorded as a recommendation based on my previous viewing habits. No more cutting social outings short because LOST starts in FIVE MINUTES and I have to get home; no, I can watch my shows whenever I please. (That's not to say my social life doesn't suffer at all. I no longer answer calls or texts when I'm watching TiVo, as the outcome of more than one sporting event or reality show has been spoiled due to the TiVo-less not understanding the concept of "hey, I'm not watching this live, so don't tell me what happens.") If you don't believe anything else I say, take my word for it: Once you go TiVo, you'll never go back...o.



*Tron is the internet alias requested by my dear boyfriend, and it is henceforth how he will be referred to on this blog.