Open Wide

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon, which always makes me nostalgic for my childhood dentist, who fashioned a balloon animal for me at the end of every visit as a reward for, you know, not screaming the entire time or trying to bite off his hand or anything. Looking back on it, this seems somewhat counterintuitive; everyone knows that the ability to make balloon animals automatically makes you a clown. Why try to alleviate children's fears by combining two of the scariest creatures imaginable: a dentist AND a clown?

No thanks.

The Boys and Girls Who Cried "High Importance" on Their Emails: A Cautionary Tale for the Modern Era

Once upon a time, I received too many emails from a select few offenders who always choose the "Importance Level: High" sending option! The bright red exclamation point prompts me to drop what I'm doing and read your emails immediately because they must be URGENT!! But then I get irritated when, alas, they are of only normal importance! I don't like to be lied to!! Someday, you will send me an URGENT email that really does require immediate action on my behalf!!!! Tragically, I will see the red exclamation point next to your name, but instead of obeying the exclamation point, I will roll my eyes and open the email whenever I damn well feel like it!!

Because, boys and girls, the exclamation point is meant to be used sparingly. It loses its effectiveness unless it is only used in cases of absolute necessity. And you abused it.