Another reason why majoring in English was probably a bad idea

In college, my fellow English majors and I used to joke about how we were paying thousands of tuition dollars on an education that was just going to land us a home in a cardboard box. (Odd that our collective creativity couldn't come up with a better joke than the cardboard box cliche, but I digress.)

After graduation, I eventually managed to find a job that allows me to live in a normal-sized apartment with actual sturdy walls and a roof. But I can't thank my diploma, as I very rarely invoke my English major skeeeelz in the workplace. I mean, I have to make sure that all the words are spelled right on my company's website and all of our advertising materials, but they aren't exactly five-dollar words, and as a former fifth-grade spelling bee champion, I think I could have completed this task even before I entered the hallowed halls of my alma mater.

So, not only does my degree serve no practical purpose in my professional life. But also, it has given me sufficient knowledge of the English language's grammar rules to become significantly irritated when I hear others abusing them.

Today's example: Jesse McCartney's song "Leavin." I hear this song played on the radio approximately 548 times a day, and although the teenybopper inside me* secretly kinda likes it, the song also drives me completely crazy. And not just because hearing a kid that looks like this say the word "shorty" makes me cringe like I did when David Archuleta tried to make the lyric "my boo" sound natural when performing Chris Brown's "With You." Stick to what you know, kids.

No, the real reason I want to punch Jesse McCartney's songwriter is for the crime of randomly interchanging pronouns. The whole song is directed at some girl, one who's apparently the baddest little thing that he's ever seen. Almost every line says "you": "I've been watching you all day/Man, that thing you got behind you is amazing." Except for this ONE TIME when he switches to "I" for the first line of each chorus:

Why don't you tell him that I'm leavin, never looking back again

I just don't understand! Wouldn't this chick's "shorty" be happy if, in fact, Jesse leaves, never looks back again, and therefore stops hitting on his girlfriend? How is that a threat to the guy to treat her better? So I assume he is giving her a specific script for how to tell her shorty that she's the one who is leaving. But if that's the case, then why does he switch BACK to "you" in the very next line?

You found somebody who does it better than he can

You see my dilemma. Thanks a lot, B.A. in English. My teenybopper self just wants to relax and enjoy this crappy song, but she can't focus when her grownup counterpart is tearing out her hair in frustration every time it comes on the airwaves.


*This is the part of me that still uses LipSmackers instead of grownup chapstick because hello, it tastes better. Even if it makes the Target pharmacist laugh at me when she rings it up. That's a different blog.

What the hell, China?

Since it only occurs once every four years, lately I've taken to watching the Michael Phelps show Olympics. Due to a 12-hour time difference and the fact that I'm 75 years old, most of the events occur after my bedtime, so I must resort to checking CNN.com the next day to read recaps of my favorite events. For every article about an event, though, there's another one about how China has been faking it more than Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally.

Now that the Chinese female gymnasts have beaten out the U.S. team for the gold, there has been increased grumbling that some of those tiny girls can't be older than 14, even though their passports (issued by the Chinese government) insist they are at least 16, the minimum age to compete in the Michael Phelps show Olympics.

Looking at photos of the Chinese team, I have to agree with protesters, and to that I say, what the hell, China? Athletes here in America might occasionally dabble in the performance-enhancing drugs, but they'd never stoop to something so low as lying about their age just to gain an advantage in a sporting competition.


Apparently China's not only interested in winning as many gold medals as possible, though. They're also out to show everyone that they can throw the best darn-tootin' Michael Phelps show Olympics the world has ever seen - even if they have to fake their way through that, too. Yesterday this story broke, revealing that the cute little girl who sang "Ode to the Motherland" during the opening ceremonies was actually lip-synching the performance. The girl who actually provided the vocals was deemed not good-looking enough to perform the song, thereby setting a new world record in earliest onset of low self-esteem.

What the hell, China? Maybe some musicians in America occasionally lip-synch their performances (everyone say hi to Ashlee Simpson!), but at least they provide their own vocals on the recordings. We'd never do something like, say, give a recording contract to someone who lip-synchs to the vocals of those who "lack a marketable image."


China is so desperate for perfection that even some of the fireworks during the opening ceremonies were faked. Worried about "poor visibility," the Beijing organizing committee opted to use some previously recorded footage of computerized fireworks.

Seriously, what the hell, China? Are you really so superficial that you feel the need to enhance something that, in its natural state, already inspires awe and reverance from probably about half of the world's population? Unheard of.


You should be ashamed of yourselves.